A Warning Note from the Local Constabulary to the House Shaped Like a Large Tortoise

written by Gabriel Komisar

To Whom It May Concern,

Good news and good tidings befall our township, and you must bear this first and foremost in mind before reading further. Mzee, who so often walks the mountain pass, blessed our village not two weeks ago. You must recall the thunderous sound of the timber and berries as they fell from his mouth, in the center of town. These things were collected and distributed amongst our people as this was the right and proper thing to be done with such a bounty.

However, our specialist in these matters has since informed me that this gift, placed so close to your doorstep, was not necessarily intended for the village as a whole, but your domicile in particular. Now please do keep in mind that this is still a good fortune! Timber for the winter! Preserves for the larders! Think of all of this when I say that Mzee, the tortoise who walks among the trees, who guards this forest and preserves our township, has fallen in love with your house.

Step outside of it now and take a look, perhaps after walking quite a ways away. You can see how, in just the right light, the way it is built into that rounded hill, it does not look so different from Mzee. Our specialist has informed us that his gift was a courtship ritual. Now that we have taken a gift, the engagement is sealed. Come spring solstice it is strongly advised that you vacate the premises.

Perhaps now the events of the last few days are making more sense to you, as they do to us. Mzee’s crooning towards our village at sundown, his plaintive glances eastward, and his newly polished shell come into sharp relief as the solstice nears. Before you make a decision one way or another, please bear in mind the following:

• The courting gifts were accepted.
• Mzee stands one hundred and fifty meters tall.
• He cannot be convinced or distracted.
• He cannot be slowed or stopped.
• We will make no effort to stop him, because no effort can be made.
• This is a tremendous boon to our township.

If you agree to this, though your agreement has little bearing on Mzee, your neighbors and I will have the utmost gratitude toward you, and we will reward you for any damage sustained therein. And should Mzee continue to solicit your home, we will do whatever is necessary to ameliorate your loss. It is a beautiful house, on that we and Mzee agree, and nothing we build could do it justice. But perhaps, as our specialist has noted, that would be for the best. Please respond at your earliest convenience or visit my office near the town square.

Mistakes have been made. What’s best right now is not to linger on them, but to move forward with a reasonable strategy for the immediate future. With each sunset, the solstice draws closer; when it comes, so too will Mzee.

Best Wishes,

Constable Heian

Gen-bu Prefecture